NIKOLAIDIS, telemachus [herbology][wip]

[Professor Slick]

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[/i] or Slick or Professor. I find out one of you pricks has decided to go all bee’s knees about my name or lack thereof I will personally introduce you to my good muggle friend Dentist. E’ takes out teeth. The muggle way.

Still with me? Freakin’ Ace.

Second, you will take this pansy, poncy little shitstain of a course seriously. I don’t give a flipped table whether you think herbology is for flighty old dames that can’t be bothered to string a coherent thought together not involving booze or for badass fucks like yours truly but some of the leafy green bastards in this room will as soon prod your brains out of your nostrils than look at you. Treat everything in this ass-backwards territory as the enemy. Nothing is safe, not the pumpkins, not the mandrakes, and certainly not the little swards roaming around pretending to be all cute and innocent AND GEORGE I’M LOOKING AT YOU GET BACK IN YOUR BUCKET, CONKSUCK.

Ahem.

Third, sucks to be you but you wankers are in the bloody presence of the second collections of living mooks that you cannot just exterminate without thinking about it too much. Avada kedavra? Nep. No freaking brain means that unless you got some real hate mojo going on nine times out of ten you’re just going to make a branch wilt or some useless shit like that. Fire? Haha, no. Suckers using fire can introduce themselves to the Whomping Willow and for detention we’ll be rubbing out the bloodstains for weeks. Brute force? Now you’re talking my language but still, not good enough. Specially for dweebs like you. The one thing applicable to all circumstances is ‘run the fuck away’ apparition which is ace as a strategy trust me.

But hey you can’t apparate yet or maybe you’ve misplaced your bloody wand and bam! little green and brown bastards are ripping off an arm or digging out your eyeballs to munch on, what do you do? You remember what Professor Slick taught you in this course and fuckin’ pray to all the gods you do and don’t believe in that you c’n survive the shitty idea that you got trapped in the first place because it sure as hell wasn’t on my recommendation.

Alright kiddies. Let’s get this manure course started.”[/color]

[li] Professor Slick was born Telemachus Ephialtes Nikolaidis a name he personally despises. It’s not so much the Greek than the fact that it sounds like a git’s name. Pretentious as all out fuck. If he knew what forms to sign to get it stricken from the record he’d have done it years ago.
[/li][li] He was born during the muggle Great War. His parents were probably blown to smithereens but he likes to think they left him outside to freeze his diapered baby tush to death like any sensible couple. Really, what else would you do with a baby? Feed it? Pffft. Lame.
[/li][li] His own kid is an exception, obviously. His own kid is awesome and anyone who said differently is going to be shown his stabs.
[/li][li] But that’s getting ahead of ourselves. Way back, like a thousand majillion years ago, he was adopted by a distant relative and sent to the asswipe of all magical schools in Europe, the one named after a swine’s second most comely feature, the first being its raging case of haemorrhoids. He was sorted into Hufflepuff, treated as an absolute shill and quickly decided that there would be hell to pay for this indignity and created the Midnight Crew. Only badass dudes and dudettes invited.
[/li][li] Somehow it became a dude thing only. Win some, lose some, whatever.
[/li][li] Midnight Crew wasn’t into any of the pranking nonsense. They bullied bullies out of their lunch money carried out heists, hexed assholes terrorized whoever they felt like and made life a messfest for anyone that got on their bad side. Only Droog was crazy smart but while Slick wasn’t the brains of the crew he was a scrapper. Good instincts, better wandwork and an innate ability to curse the shit out of anyone that so much as looked at him funny. Managed to scrape by with most classes but in anything remotely combat related he was fucking magic. Literally and metaphorically.
[/li][li] He grew up in the East End of London and has a bit of a Cockney lilt to his voice, his keeper being a boring old arsehole and the muggles blokes more interesting. Every now and then he’ll use some old rhyming slang but he’s more or less only slips into it when he’s extremely and extraordinarily pissed. He is an extremely well traveled douchebag and wants to be able to curse anyone, anywhere and get them fucking realize it. None of this slangy, half-understood nonsense.
[/li][li] After graduating he became an archaeologist.
[/li][li] Actually, that’s the polite version and the one on his resume. In reality he became a tomb robber, grave pilferer and all around low-down dirty schmuck. In his defence, the tombs and graves tended to start the fuckin’ fight, green electricity and eldritch energies being spat at his hinny, he just ends em’ like any proper, well-meaning, upstanding civilian. And then blows kisses to their contents and sells em’ on the black market.
[/li][li] He had other odd jobs like enforcement, clean-up, doctoring, gambling, bouncer-ing and so on. Most of it was on the legit side of illegal.
[/li][li] After various hijinks that will go unmentioned he lost an eye and an arm (eye was irreparable, arm was later regrown, took months of therapy and a ton of galleons) and decided to settle down. Bought himself a humble little villa with his ill-gotten earnings and tried to grow Unmentionables. Strictly speaking illegal but there was a growing market for the crop and who was he to go against the whimsies of supply and demand?
[/li][li] Surely not the demand, in no time at all he was raking in the dough. Enough so that he actually start up a real greenhouse with actual potion ingredients. Front shop and all that but apparently he had some innate plant-related talents that no one had ever thought to identify before because business hit the ceiling, broke right through and started becoming some muggle beanstalk. It started getting bad enough that he was edging into the territory of goshdarn respectable. Fucking lunacy it was. People came all over to buy his potted miracles no matter how terrible his manner.
[/li][li] Then, somehow, he got saddled with a human parasite. Probably try to pimp off his newfound respectability and wealth. Something about it being blah-blah-blah the last living heir of the house of Nikolaidis and him having to be its guardian because even if Slick was some sort of inbred offshoot that accidentally came of a muggle-pureblood union it was custom that Nikolaidises raised Nikolaidises and the loyal custodians executing the will would not settle for anything less.
[/li][li] He slammed that door in that face and when the random super-butler-nanny refused started casting bombarda maxima and cratering pieces of his lawn until the bad dream went away. He might have been a little drunk at the time.
[/li][li] After more hijinks that involved blackmail, two corpses, three litres of muggle cola and a dead ghost threatening to haunt his ass until the end of time he took in the tyke and tried not to have it die on him. Called up Droog just in case. Could babies drink booze? Was that a thing they did? And how did you get them to shut up? Was there a spot you could press? Like did the belly button have some use besides just being there? And this diaper business, how did that work? Could you train them to shit in a box like cats and dogs?
[/li][li] He was referred to Hearts. Hearts was slightly more helpful in that he spoke the same language that Slicks did. Slapped him upside the head every time he fucked up.
[/li][li] It became a muggle family comedy with elements of Disney thrown in gratuitously let’s not say more about it, embarrassing as all hell it is.
[/li][li] (And no, surprise, surprise, babies can’t drink booze.)
[/li][li] He was invited to give some guest lectures about plants and shit. Sort of muddled his way through some lectures and despite his… rather crass speech he was apparently considered ‘pretty inspirational’ so got repeatedly re-invited. When the last Herbology teacher retired he was recommended as the next prof. He really shoulda refused it being about as far away from his ideal retreat from humanity (plants were actually pretty ace) but there were other concerns on his mind.
[/li][li] Y’know, like making sure no one fucked with his kid who was about to attend Hogwarts soon too.[/li][/ul]
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[CELIA]

alright, so this looks nice and thought out, but I only have a few minor concerns. The first two would be within his negative traits - i'm not quite sure 'sir swearsalot' is a personality trait, and I don't know german, so you'll either have to tell me what 'schadenfreude means, or just use the english translation. The only other minor thing would be giving him the same nickname as the playby. While it's nothing major, it shouldn't be too difficult to come up with an original nickname. there's also the fact that you never mention him attending Hogwarts in his history, yet mention his son attending and the fact that he's a halfblood that knows about magical plants.

[Professor Slick]

1. Done.
2. Schadenfreude is a German loan word that has wormed its way into the English language, probably via Freud though that's a total shot in the dark on my part and how I justify including it even though the character's ostensibly Greek. Basically it means 'finding pleasure in the pain of others.' Most often used when laughing at others' misfortune.
3. Not sure what you meant by Playby. Do you mean 'play' as in his name 'Telemachus' as in a character of the Greek epic the Odyssey? Err, I could change it, but that's sort of why he finds it pretentious...
4. You're going to have re-read the history or re-word your sentence because I can't make heads or tails out of what you're trying to say unless I make the assumption that you only briefly skimmed the history because a big chunk of it (or at least a bullet point) is about Hogwarts and I don't really want to make that assumption. Or understand where exactly you're coming from with it. Also, I never actually specified a gender for the adopted kid so no one reading this jump to conclusions here.

EDIT: No wait, I figured out where the confusion is stemming from. What he refers to as a 'pig's second most comely feature' is, in fact, a Hog's Wart. Hogwarts.

Okay, maybe it's kind of obscure but I find it's somewhat obvious seeing that basically the next line it talks about Hufflepuffs.

[CELIA]

SOOOO sorry for the wait - holiday season and a new schedule has had me sleeping during most of my free time >.>

playby means face claim, as in this character is 'played by' this face claim from another series. 'Slick' is the same name used by the character that you're using.